As we die both you and I
With my head in my hands I sit and cry
Don’t speak
I know what you’re saying
So please stop explaning
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
Don’t speak I know what you’re thinking
I don’t need your reasons
Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts
It’s all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are…
You and me
I can see us dying…are we?
~excerpted from Don’t Speak song lyrics by Gwen Stefani
I know many people who are divorced. I myself am divorced. But it is always painful to watch someone you care about go through the horrible, heartrending process of seperating their life from someone whose eyes they once saw all of their dreams in. There are those people who seem to divorce with the ease of taking out the trash. (*cough*Elizabeth Taylor*cough*) But if you’re not used to looking at marriage as a disposable commodity, but rather the joining of your life to someone who you can picture yourself rocking on the porch with, then divorce can be one of the most life altering processes you can undertake (right after becoming a parent, I think).
Divorcing someone changes everything about your life from something as simple to your daily routine to things as complicated as friendships and finances. There is NOTHING easy about divorce. It’s messy, it’s painful, and everyone you know thinks they should get to have an opinion on what is happening. I never believed that I would lose friendships when I divorced my ex but there were people who were so angry- angrier than words can ever describe- when I left him. And some of them were people who had basically nothing invested in our relationship- just casual acquaintances. But divorce causes fear in others- it makes them look at their own lives, marriages, relationships and wonder, just for a moment, “am I next?” In my case, people saw us as the perfect couple (and thus the expression, appearances are deceiving) and believed that I lied about my reasons for leaving (my ex was/is an alcoholic) and some to this day don’t believe me. Others have since realized I may have been kind in my explanations (I was)especially after another friend invited my ex to live with him and witnessed the behaviors that go with alcoholism up close and personal.
But what happens when there is no “blame”? When it simply comes to pass that two people have gone in different directions, taken different paths, and simply don’t belong together anymore? How do you explain to friends and family that the once love of your life is a perfectly nice guy(or gal), just not perfect for you? How do you tell the nosy inquirers that you can’t stand to listen to him hum while he eats or that you can’t stand to listen to her talk about one more pair of shoes that she bought? How do you explain that the love has just…gone? No horrible abuse, no drinking, no drugs…just nothing. And better yet, why should you have to? Isn’t divorce painful enough without having 100′s of your closest friends, relatives, and acquaintances want to know all of the gory details?
Divorce is a death of sorts. With the death of a once cherished relationship comes the death of dreams, hopes, and ideals. The people involved in a divorce have every right to enter into the grieving process and that right should be respected. They don’t necessarily want to hear “it’s for the best”, “you’ll find someone else”, or “it’s time to move on”. What they do want to hear is “I love you no matter what and I’m here if you need me- and even if you don’t, I’m still here.”
So, to my friend, the warrior kitty, whom I think the world of and who it hurts me to know that she’s going through such a painful process: I’m here if you need me. And even if you don’t, I’m still here.
Having seen some of my my friends go through this, I know exactly what you mean Angie, divorce always divides. The whole thing becomes an excercise of what’s his and what’s hers, this seems to apply for both material things and friendships.
It’s painful to watch, and you can’t help but examine your own marriage to make sure you’ve not missed the signs of deterioration that may be there.
My hubby and I used to almost unconsciously take sides, whenever close friends were getting divorced. He would usually be on the man’s side, I of course on the woman’s, but these days, we’ve learned that it’s best just to stay in the background, offering support if needed.
What a lovely note. And how timely. It’s harder when it happens within a family. My brother is going through a divorce at the moment, which is incredibly difficult because his divorce will be the first ever in our family.
Sorry about the rant. 
However, I’m not happy with my family because they are taking “his” side, slagging my sister-in-law off. Yes, she did leave him, but I feel that she thought her decision is right FOR HER. He didn’t do anything wrong, it just didn’t work out. Such is life. I did hope she would consider marriage counselling, but she doesn’t want to do this, which is fine.
So far I refuse to take sides, but, by fuck, it’s getting harder to keep my mouth shut in face of cattiness among my family. I admit that at a recent family event, after listening to an hour of bitching, I went ballistic and told them to keep their noses out of it. That got me lynched for being disloyal. Ah, fuck loyalty. It’s not about loyalty, it’s about giving them space to, as you noted, grieve and to do what they think is best for themselves and for each other at their own pace. I do love my family very much, but I don’t like them at the moment.
OMG Angie, I love you so much. I half knew what you were doing when I started reading, but was in tears when I got to the end. You are so very special to me. Thank you for always being there, even when I’m hiding in my cave with my pillow over my head. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you and I love you. Hugs, Kisses and Love, Anni
Beautifully written Angie, and so close to my own divorce it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for putting how I felt at the time into words. Smooches
And Miss Kitty…hugs, I love you and I”m always here for you, no matter what.
Jaci