When did it come to this? It was only a year ago that I was just a girlfriend. Fun, sexy, spontaneous. I was a young professional with a career, a great job, fat benefits, co-workers who liked me. I was all about myself. I always said I would never have kids because I was too selfish. Valued my “me” time too much, wanted to travel more, and do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I was ready to flash my boobs for free beer if needed (now, I’d only do it to scare someone out of the hiccups, because these ta-tas are now a haven for every stray stretchmark on the East Coast)
Fast forward a year. Now I’m Brianna’s Mommy. But I’m also Josh’s wife. And suddenly, I’m not a very fun wife. I’m one of THOSE wives. You know the kind I’m talking about. Who get upset if hubby is late coming home from work, if he works long hours, if he goes back to work, works on weekends, or takes multiple calls from work while at home.
Okay, actually, I think I’ve been pretty understanding. I mean, we’re talking 60 hour weeks. Early morning phone calls and late nights. Which is nice when it comes to the paycheck. Overtime is worth big buck. But honestly, I’d rather have him at home. And I’ve never screamed or raged or even given silent treatment. If I don’t like it, I tell him so, but mostly I just let it go. I mean, I know he’s trying to take care of Brianna and I and that sometimes he feels stressed by not being at home. But I also know that he LOVES this job. After all, we moved so he could take this job. And I guess part of the problem is that he CAN leave his job (when he chooses to do so). I’m at my job 24/7. Don’t labor laws require at least 2 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute break in an 8 hour period? Sheesh…I think I need to call my local congressman.
And so, what we have folks, is the familiar problem of parents around the world. A struggle to find a balance between work, home, and child. I never ever thought I’d be that wife. And maybe part of the problem is that I’m jealous. Oh so jealous. Because I left a job I loved…quite honestly my dream job…to have a baby and raise her. And I don’t resent that or regret it. But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss it.
And I guess I’m still bummed about not getting the work at home job that I wanted recently. Dammit. I need to get over it and move on before I drive myself (and everyone else) insane!
I got an email from a wonderful friend today (thank you Jen) and she helped me realize that mommy identity crisises are not unusual. And I’m not a bad mommy for struggling to find something to help me remember that I’m a person with something worthwhile to contribute (besides breastmilk) But I never realized how hard that would be- to rediscover myself. Or how hard it would be to articulate what I need, what I want and how frustrated I feel…
And I never realized I had it in me to be THAT wife. I’m definitly gonna work on that because it is sooo not me.