It’s been driven home to me recently(like last night when I wanted to write a post but couldn’t because Brianna needed me) that life as I know it has come to a screeching halt. Basically, anything I want to do, including going to the bathroom, has to be scheduled around the baby. I think loss of a certain amount of freedom has been the hardest adjustment about being a parent. I mean, there’s a whole list of things that I don’t get to do when I want to. For instance:

*Go to bed when I want (if the baby is fussing at night, I go to bed so she’ll sleep)
*Wake up when I want. Ha. Please, she’s a human alarm clock.
*Eat- whether at home or in a restaraunt
*Read. I never realized how hard it is to read with a baby who wants attention and needs to be watched.
*Shop for groceries, necessities, clothes (forget about trying on clothes for now!)
*Run into the gas station for a soda. Yeah, if I want to schlep 21 pounds of baby and carseat in with me.
*Surf the internet but most especially type anything out. Not with a baby, a cat, a toy, and a blanket and any other paraphanelia in my hands and on my lap.
*Clean. Do dishes. Do Laundry. (okay, some days I don’t mind this one so much)

Anyone who’s a parent knows this list well and could probably add and add and add to it. I know I stopped because I figure it would just get ridiculously long. But one of the things I miss most is being able to go out for an hour or two at night if I want. To hang out with friends and get out of the house. I’m starting to feel incredibly disconnected and a little lonely, I guess. This was driven home to me in two ways this week.

First, Josh asked me a question the other night, and I was thinking about my answer, and replying to the question, carrying on a conversation…all IN MY HEAD. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until he asked if I was going to answer him. Answer him? Hell, I’d done that and then some in my silent conversation. But I spend so much time at home, talking to only Brianna and the cats, that I get used to not talking and to spending time with my own thoughts.

The second thing that really drove home my desperation for contact with people was maybe even more pitiful; Every month my lending agency calls me to arrange a student loan payment by phone. It’s usually the same girl that calls every month. Well, this month, I engaged this girl in conversation. For like ten minutes. We talked about the weather. Oh. My. God. How sad have I become that I’m chatting up a bill collector and discussing the weather?

The internet has become my outlet to people and communication. I miss it when I don’t have daily interaction with someone on the computer. Some days I feel desperate to jump up and down (if it’s possible to do that online) and shout “Here I am. I’m an interesting person. Talk to meeeeee…”

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