The other week, I was having a “moment” as I called it and bemoaning my status as a
stay-at-home mom
So anyhow, there I was feeling hungry for Bob Evans’ Pot Roast Hash–yummy–(because it’s sooo much healthier than fast food :giggle:) and knowing there is no way in hell I’m taking this child out to eat by myself. Because that just wouldn’t be fun. I was feeling closed in and…closed in. Wondering what it was like to be able to run errands or go out to eat without planning it. Or not having to plan my shower, lunch, bill paying, work and anything else that requires baby free time for nap time. See, I was having a moment.
Now, before I go any further, let me point out that it’s my choice to be a work-at-home mom. Not the working part, because we really need the paycheck and I love the job anyhow (in case you couldn’t tell) and need that to feel sane, but the working at home part. I have a degree in Occupational Therapy, I could choose to go out into the workforce, put Brianna in daycare and have my lunch hours free, maybe be on more equal parenting footing with Josh. But I chose not to, I chose Brianna over being an OT. Josh chose a job that paid more money and would allow me to stay home. We both made sacrifices but we’re happy with that. Maybe some day I’ll go back to being an OT (I’ll have to go back to school, but it could happen) but for now, this is what I want, to raise my daughter. I feel obligated to point this out–both to reassure my husband, who reads this blog, but also so no one thinks I’m just whining about things I have control over. No, I’m just whining in general 😉
But actually, I have a point. I posted my whining on my playgroup board, because I knew I’d get sympathy and shoulders. But in the course of that thread, one of the other moms posted a reply that I thought was really spot on. Other stay-at-home moms will recognize the feeling behind what she writes.
I don’t think the menfolk will EVER understand how different our lives are from theirs… I’ve tried to describe it to Nick this way… In my mind, when I envision myself and the kids, there is this “chain” that connects us ALL the time. Even when I’m not with them, if I run to the store or whatever… that imaginary chain is still there… b/c I have to ARRANGE to be able to do that. It’s just assumed that I’m responsible for the kids at all times… If i want to go to the store by myself, I literally have to ask if that’s okay and make arrangements for the kids to be taken care of by someone else. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed a family where the Dad had to do that. On Nick’s day off, if he needs to run to the store to get something, he just hops in the car and goes. He doesn’t “check” with me first to make sure it’s okay and to make sure that I’m covering the kids for him! LOL kwim??? It’s just ASSUMED, again, that i’ve “got” the kids… and he has that freedom… he doesn’t have that “chain” connecting him to the kids. Yes, sometimes he assumes the role for me… but, again, i have to arrange for that to happen.
This phenomenon is the one thing about being a mother that I resent the most!!!
Now, I have to say that Josh tries to be conscious of this, he doesn’t expect me to be responsible for Brianna 24/7 and he makes an effort to give me time and space when he can. But the feeling of being responsible for her, making sure he knows her schedule, how she likes things, if anything goes wrong-I have my cell phone, that’s still there. Of course, part of this is something moms do to themselves, thinking the way they do it is the right way. When, in fact, the kids might like the way dad does it just as well, because it’s dad doing it.
I’m not sure, maybe women who work outside the home feel the same thing. I can only speak as a SAHM on this topic. All I know is I wanted some damn Pot Roast Hash and I felt I couldn’t have it because I was home with the baby. Right at that moment, it was harder than normal and it sucked 😥
That is exactly the way I tried to explain it to my husband but he just doesn’t get it. They just don’t get it. :doh:
I would say that this is not unique to stay-at-home moms. It’s every mother. Or I would say it’s every mother who assumes the “traditional” role. I’ve seen some men who were the “primaries” (I’ll call it). But usually they’re married to women who make higher incomes and are used to calling the shots. An overall generalization perhaps, but this is what I’ve seen personally.
I know how you feel, too, Angie. And those feelings aren’t exclusive to SAHMs either. I went part time when my oldest started 1st grade so I could be at home after school. It was the best of both worlds – adult conversation during the day, feeling like I was contributing to the household economy, and being a mommy when the kids were home from school.
My kids are older now, and I just had to go back full time. It’s awful. I feel those chains you mentioned… big time. And the guilt of not being home. Like yours, my hubby is fantastic and takes care of things on the home front since he gets home first, but I still feel that pull of my babies needing me. I hate to say that it doesn’t get any better when they get older. Is that being not helpful? Or is it just being a mommy?
OMG, that post was spot on! I feel the same way. I’m blessed to be able to be a SAHM…if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have the treasured moments I have with Jesse…or my writing because I’d be out at work knee-deep in some job I hated that took me away from my daughter. Still, I’d love to just take a shower without having one foot in and one foot out…or going to the bathroom in peace!! A few days ago I jetted into the bathroom for all of a minute and the cat scratched Jesse’s eyelid so bad I had to take her the Emergency Room.
So many hugs Angie…from one SAHM to another…feel free to whine. I totally get it and whine right along with you. :hug:
I took the kids to Lowes today and nearly had a nervous breakdown :pengydie:
The upside to being divorced is I *do* get two weekends off a month and I’m very stingy with them. But I don’t think that mommy string every really goes away.
Angie,
I’ve done both the SAHM for 5yrs and then back to work full time for the last 14yrs for financial reasons. Both are difficult. When I was home all the time with three small children somedays I just wanted to scream and at the end of the day I was what I called touched out. I had held, rocked or been tugged on so much that I didn’t want anyone to touch me. :chair:
When I had to go back to work, I chose a hospital setting where I could work evenings and weekends and the DH could take care of the kids. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was let him do things his way when I wasn’t home. He didn’t do things the way I would have but he and the kids all survived
Sometimes I think dads don’t help as much with the kids as they could/should because moms make them feel inadequate about not doing things mom’s way.
Sigh. I did something and lost all that I wrote. That or it’ll show up after I repeat myself!
I’ve been a work-at-home mom since my youngest was about 2. (he’s 18 now) There were only 2 years out of the following 16 that I worked outside the home and my youngest had to go to daycare. It’s hard to be a work-at-home mom. Guilt for not paying enough attention to you child(ren) while you’re working, yet needing to work to bring in that check! Now that my kids are older, 10, 14, 18, I find they need me at home even more. I thought it was just the younger years that that would be the case, but it’s not. These are the hardest years for them.
The other thing is that when you’re a work at home mom people don’t seem to respect that or realize that you *are* working. Argh. I’m glad my children are older now and can entertain themselves, but I’m glad my 10 year old is still a cute “kid.” I’m dreading that it’s not long until he hits puberty. :bigsigh:
hmmm, i recognize that quote! 🙂
now i have to admit i’m a little depressed after reading all of these comments… the ones that say it gets HARDER as the kids get older. please tell me you’re joking!!! rofl
if it gets any harder, you’ll have to visit me in the nuthouse… where i will be found drooling in a corner somewhere. for real.