This could probably be a Thursday Thirteen but we all know how motivated I’ve been to do those lately so I’m just going to rant on now. You know why yard sales suck? (suddenly, I got this image of myself as Joe Pesci in the Lethal Weapons movies going “They f**k you at the drivethrough.” Yard sales suck because you spend at least a week before the yard sale getting ready and stressing about it. And contemplating just taking the whole lot to Goodwill. But then thinking that the cash in hand rather than the tax write off would be nice. So you go through the hassle of getting it all together and thinking about pricing it. But you don’t price it because you’re lazy and you don’t want to (but maybe that’s just me).

So then you get up at six am on a SATURDAY morning (isn’t there a law against that) when you’ve been up until midnight because it was Mom’s Night Out the night before (rocking good time, btw). You get up at six am to set things out for the yard sale that’s been advertised to start at 7am (neighborhood association does all that advertising, which is a good thing in my book) and some nutjobs are already cruising past your house and actually digging through stuff while you’re trying to put it out. And price it since you were too lazy to do it earlier in the week. Someone once told me they post a sign in their yard that says “Early birds pay double.” I like that. But I’m just ornery like that.

Finally, about halfway through pricing and unpacking boxes, as you’re watching your husband still carrying even more boxes, you realize you have a lot of junk. And you think about all the money you’ve spent buying that junk over the years and you wonder, “What in the bleeding hell was I thinking?” and you get all that junk unpacked but you only get about half of it priced because you realize, after the fifth person has asked you for a price on something already tagged, people are morons so there’s really no point. They’re going to ask regardless of the blazing yellow price tag on that piece of junk they’re holding.

And then it gets to you. The haggling. The scowling. The rude comments because NO you won’t sell your paperbacks for less than 50 cents because they’re worth more online trading at Paperback Swap. And the guy who told you not to call him sir (I call everyone sir, ma’am. Polite, yes?) when you wouldn’t cut him a deal on said books? You call him sir a good five more times because he can just kiss your… and you wonder at what point in life it happened that a paperback book isn’t even worth 50 cents to people? Because that’s just sad and depressing and since you’re in the business of publishing it kind of makes you want to go find a dark cave and eat some of those Doritos your wonderful husband brought home for you after reading the comments on your blog earlier in the week.

Finally, the yard sale is over and look! You still have lots of junk. People bought stuff you would never have expected anyone to buy. And no one bought the stuff you thought would surely sell. You made…hm. Oh goody, a hundred dollars. Was it worth it? Uh, well, we did get motivated to go through the basement and clear out a lot of stuff. And it all went right onto the trailer for the Salvation Army so it’s an “easy” tax write off now. But truthfully? Yard sales suck. Because it just drives home how people want something for pretty much nothing. But yayyy! It’s done and holy moses did we get rid of a lot of stuff to Salvation Army in the end. It’s that much less stuff we have to worry about for moving and I’m sure there will be another load before we move.

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